About Swingers

... Swappers Lifestyles 

New Rules of Sex and Sexual Fantasy

Sexual fantasies are a normal and natural expression of desire. Everyone has them; some may be more vivid or unusual than others. Sexual fantasies are everyone's right and, perhaps for some, a necessity.

Sexual fantasies can be a way of working out experiences you have had in real life. They are also a way of thinking about sexual things you may wish would happen, which can be a great way of escaping from reality and indulging in your most exciting dreams. Very often people's sexual fantasies are private worlds that they do not share with anyone else. Private sexual fantasies can make solo sex or masturbation more powerful and enjoyable as in our minds we can be anyone in any situation. In our fantasies the sky is not the limit!

Where do our sexual fantasies come from?

People can get their fantasies from real experiences that they change to fit their own taste and desires, like fantasising about a recent sexual encounter, or one you would like to happen. Or they might go the full tilt and dream of situations far from their reality.

Sometimes our fantasies seem to pop up from nowhere; these may come from our unconscious mind. Some people's sexual fantasies are borrowed images from films, books or stories that they have heard or read. Just because you have 'borrowed' your fantasy this does not make it any the less powerful and important. What is valuable is that you find it exciting.

Sexual fantasies are important in helping to heighten your pleasure when you are on your own or with your partner, fantasising about things can be an excellent means of escape from the reality of the world. We know that people in hostage situations have created the most intricate and amazing fantasies on many topics.

The reason sexual fantasies are so powerful may be because they are private and personal to the person who is making them up. What should you consider if you are to make them real?

Should you make your sexual fantasies a reality?

Acting out your sexual fantasies can be a way of releasing and realising your desires. For some people this might bring real fulfilment and a realisation of what they really do want in their life. For example, people who want to have sex with someone of the same sex might try this out and discover that this is part of who they are and how they want to live their life. However, a different person could try this out and find out that it's not for them.

Sharing a sexual fantasy with a partner could help to take your relationship to a higher level, even if the fantasy is not acted out in reality. It's really up to you whether you tell a partner or friends about a sexual fantasy or whether you feel it's better to keep it private. Think through the consequences of talking about your fantasies or making them real. What will your partner or friends think of this? You could expose yourself to consequences that you had not wanted.

The thing is, only you can decide if your fantasies are about something you actually want to do, but haven't got the guts or the opportunity to do in real life, or whether they are just fantasy and you'd run a mile if the opportunity to act them out presented itself.

I don't know if I want to make my fantasy a reality

Just because you fantasise about a sexual act it does not mean that you might really want to act this out. For example, fantasies about sex with someone of the same sex are common amongst people who would consider themselves to be heterosexual ('straight'). This doesn't necessarily mean that the person having the fantasy is actually gay or lesbian.

Fantasising about sex with someone of the same sex is particularly common in teenagers, when the hormones raging through your body can make you think about sex and sexual possibilities much of the time. It is also a time when many people are working out their sexuality and making sense of their feelings of sexual attraction. For example, the feelings you have for your best friend may be just friendly, or they may mean you consider them to be more than just a mate.

Many young people have sexual experiences with someone of the same sex, involving kissing, touching, mutual masturbation or more. This doesn't necessarily 'make' someone gay or lesbian - only you can work out for yourself what you consider your sexual orientation to be. Some people know from a very early age that they are gay, while some people are unsure until later in life. (For more help with these issues, see our other features on coming out: do you think you might be gay? which has a great list of websites, further reading and organisations that can offer help and support, and girls who like boys... and girls .)

What if my sexual fantasies are wrong or illegal?

People fantasise about many different things. Sometimes people's sexual fantasies are ones that they know are illegal or would get them into trouble with the law, such as raping someone, having sex with a member of your family or bestiality. Although having sexual fantasies is perfectly normal, some sexual fantasies about illegal acts may not be helpful to you personally.

People often wonder whether, if they have a particular sexual fantasy often, this might make it more likely to become reality. The answer to this question is not clear. We do know that if you are trying to give up smoking then it is useful to try not to think too much about having a cigarette as it may make you more likely to go and have one. So, being preoccupied with a sexual fantasy about something illegal might lead to the blurring of reality and fantasy and encourage you to think about ways to make this happen. This could get you into real trouble and hurt someone else.

Although in some cases, having a fantasy might be a useful way of understanding your feeling and desires, in general, having and indulging in fantasies that are illegal, such as raping someone or having sex with a member of your own family, is not helpful. If you find you are becoming very pre-occupied with such fantasies, even to the exclusion of anything else, you might benefit from some professional help, such as counselling, which you may be able to access through your GP, or through get help .

Risks of making your fantasies a reality

On the one hand, making your sexual fantasies a reality can be a way of release, by giving you the chance to express your internal world in a real way and living it out. However, it can also be risky on several levels. The whole point of fantasy is that it is just that - a fantasy that you can control. If you make your fantasy a reality it may not live up to the image that you have in your head. The point is that a fantasy that you have invested with imagination, creativity and excitement may be disappointing when acted out.

Taking Risks

Fantasies commonly involve taking risk. Risks can be exciting but also dangerous. You must weigh up the opportunities and threats that the level of risk presents. Common concerns about acting out your sexual fantasies are that you can put yourself in dangerous situations with people who you do not know. You may risk physical pain, for example if you are thinking of trying out fantasies involving bondage or S&M (sado-masochism). Also think about the risk of personal hurt, for example when you bring a third person into a sexual relationship. Again, don't forget the legal consequences.

Tips

If you are thinking about trying to act out your particular fantasies!

Threesomes... Sex with more than one person at a time

Think about any insecurities and unresolved worries that may be lurking, as they are bound to surface - particularly if you are worried that the third party is younger or fitter than you are!

Don't try this as a last ditch effort to revitalise a tired and flagging relationship or sex-life. You need to be very secure with yourself and with one another before bringing in a third party - there's nothing like sex to bring out anxieties and insecurities about your body, your sex appeal, your performance or technique and how much your partner fancies you.

Be very clear about rules and boundaries - both with each other and with the third party. For example, who is allowed to do what to whom and how do you communicate what's not OK while it's happening?

Have a 'get out' word that you all agree on that you can use when you want whatever is happening to stop.

Fuck buddies...having a friend you have sex with

Can your friendship survive making it sexual? Think about the implications of sleeping with a friend. How will you view each other afterwards? Will it change everything?

Make sure both parties are open about what they want from the friendship - things can go horribly wrong when one person wants more than the other once you start having sex with each other.

Society tends to have double standards about what men and women are allowed to do: it may be harder for women to have sex just for sex's sake and not be judged or judge themselves according to society's values.

Espresso sex... anonymous sex with people you have just met

Stranger danger: do you know you are safe with the person you're going home with? The excitement of having sex with someone you don't know may be erotic and glamorous, but in reality you must keep yourself safe - make sure someone knows where you are and who you are with. You also need to protect yourself from sexually transmitted infections by using condoms. You might like to check out our features on sexually transmitted infections, and getting it on - using a condom.

To some extent, while the gay scene has been more accepting of anonymous sex, views amongst heterosexual people may well be less tolerant. What will your friends make of it? Again, society's double standards can be very harsh - particularly on women.

Think about your motives for this - are you avoiding being truly close to someone and so stopping yourself from enjoying a more fulfilling relationship?

Hot shots...filming your sexual activities

Obviously, filming needs to be done with the agreement of all parties involved!

Agree what will happen to the tape or photos and where they will be kept.

Not to be cynical, but think about what happens if and when the relationship breaks down - can you be sure the tape or photos won't be shown to other people or used in ways you hadn't agreed to?

Agree how far to go - don't force yourself to do anything just for the camera.

Bi-curious...trying out a sexual experience with someone of the same sex

You could try enlisting the help of a lesbian, gay or bisexual friend to talk to you and come with you if you are thinking of going to a gay nightclub or bar.

You may experience resentment from gay men and lesbians who could feel that you are just toying with them and don't have serious intentions. Make sure you are as honest as you can be with any potential partner - if it is just sex that you want, make that clear.

For more help with these issues, see the articles coming out: do you think you might be gay? which has a great list of websites, further reading and organisations that can offer help and support, and girls who like boys... and girls . Also see get help for contact details of organisations where you can get more information or meet other lesbian, gay or bisexual people.

Being a Swinger...What sort of people are swingers?

Swingers are interested in sexual adventure. Since the desire for sexual gratification is inherent to the human race, swingers come from all walks of life, in all shapes and forms.

How to be a Swinger

Most people are shocked by our lifestyle, so we learned a long time ago to keep our sexual adventures to ourselves. If you met us for the first time, you'd probably never guess the exciting sex we have with other swingers.

Like most swingers, our first sexual experience with another person was a threesome. What began as an erotic and kinky threesome, soon turned into a regular thing. Eventually the other woman had a boyfriend of her own, and after much talking and flirting with the idea, we all went out for drinks on New Years Eve and ended up in a full out four-way orgy of swing-time.

There are many myths about swingers, and many facts.

# 1: Swingers were a thing of the sixties and seventies There are more swingers today, than at any other time in history. For many people, it's become a way of life. Entire vacations are planned months in advance for popular swinger destinations. Online communities for swingers have sprung up, and a simple search reveals many provocative websites packed with ads placed by swingers.

# 2: Swinging isn't safe - swingers have sexually transmitted diseases

The same rules apply for swingers as they do for singles. Never have unprotected sex with anyone you don't know or are not sure you can trust. Swinging with married couples may even be safer than having sex with single people. Why? Because when they are married, and you are both married, there generally isn't a long history of promiscuous sex partners, as is common with single, sexually active men and women.

# 3: You have to be in a relationship to become a swinger

This is probably the biggest myth ever about becoming a swinger. Many, many couples fantasize about threesomes with a single female or male. Most swinging couples pursue threesomes with another woman, but a large number also pursue threesomes with men. Most swinging couples can't get enough sex. They are highly sexual beings. They will always be highly sexual beings. If you become the third in a threesome with a swinging couple, and you can please the couple, rest assured they'll seek you out for a lot more sex.

# 4: Swinging is a bad thing for a good relationship?

This is a trick question. Swinging can be a bad thing for a good relationship. It depends on the trust level of both people.

How do I approach my partner about swinging?

There are two ways to go. The first is if your partner is able to verbalize his or her sexual desires, then talking and finding out the facts together may lead you to the decision that is best for your overall happiness. If it is difficult to find out exactly what your partner thinks, a less subtle approach may be better. Try exposing your partner to the idea of the lifestyle through verbal fantasizing during lovemaking, viewing pornographic movies and magazines that portray multiples, becoming platonic friends with swingers, by contacting a local swingers club in your area, where you will have the opportunity to meet other couples interested in swinging. A visit for dinner and drinks with another lifestyle couple may spark your partner's interest in a new form of sexual adventure.

We are interested in the lifestyle but are not 100% sure yet...

Research the topic more in depth. Once all the facts are in front of you, the decision will be a little easier. Like anything in life, the first time may be uncomfortable to some degree because you have not participated in the activity before, and do not know what to do. This is perfectly normal. Contact your local swingers club and explain your interests. You will more than likely be speaking with someone who knows exactly where you are coming from because she (he) was in your position at one time. They should be able to offer advice, and will direct you to the most up to date information that is available. A meeting with the club host and hostess will do a lot for your pre club jitters as they are used to having to put couples at ease. 

What are the various ways to make contacts with other couples or individuals interested in "playing"?

Established lifestyle clubs are very professional and discreet in their conduct. Other alternatives are swingers publications and contact magazines, newsletters, online ad services aimed at the lifestyle set, lifestyle conventions and special events, and travel agencies and resorts that cater to the sexually adventurous.

My partner and I are curious but are really only interested in having another female join us, but not couples. Will this be easy for us?

Although there is the odd time when some of us are fortunate enough to find a willing female participant to join our happy union for a evening of wild abandon, the actuality of it is this...there are just not that many single females around that are just waiting for the opportunity to hop into the sack with a lifestyle couple, we wish it were that easy. From time to time a semi curious single lady may attend the club to see what the lifestyle is all about, but it is very few and far between that this actually happens.

It is common knowledge that the f/m/f threesome fantasy is by far the favorite of the majority of lifestyle couples, the reality is that these situations do not happen very often. When they do they are certainly wonderful. many lifestyle couples who have already "played" together will trade favors in that area to allow each couple to live out and participate in that particular fantasy. This can be a very warm and giving thing for a couple to do as they are essentially lending their loved one for another couples evening of excitement and pleasure. And of course the favor is then returned and accepted with the same gratitude. You must also then be able to deal with the thought of giving your own partner up for an evening just as the couple you "play" with is doing for you.

If couples decide mutually to trade favors in that area, then that is a completely different story as it is understood, talked about prior, and accepted. If you have reason to believe that a couple just wants you, and not your husband, you can tell them that you are a package deal and move on.

What are Soft core Swingers?

Softcore swingers love the lifestyle as much as the hardcore set. The difference is they do not revolve their whole social life around sex. Softcore swingers usually prefer to make close friends first. If the social experience is wonderful, they then chat about the possibility of taking it a step further. Softcore swingers enjoy the social experience and the friends they make in the lifestyle. They hang out socially with little or no mention of sexual encounters. No expectations, no demands. Some situations where children and babysitters have to be arranged may warrant making a plan to "play" but generally its as relaxed as can be and "playtime" is not a prerequisite, rather a recreation from time to time. Softcore swingers also usually prefer more one on one sex play with another couple rather than a big group scene.

What is a hardcore swinger?

A person or couple who's only interest is sex, and lot's of it. Their life tends to revolve around the lifestyle. The majority of the lifestyle set prefer to be "friends first", and are not hardcore swingers. The hardcore lifestylers tend to "free swing" meaning they have no problem with entering a private on premise party where sex is permitted, and jumping right in whether they know you...or not. Hardcores are also known for participating in separate room swinging where their partner is in a completely different room with another person(s). They seem to literally live to swing, and do not usually have many rules between them as a couple.

What is soft swinging?

Soft swinging is basically doing anything of a sexual nature, except inter-couple intercourse with three or more people. Many people assume that "swinging" means "swapping", but there are other types. Most couples first swinging experience is usually some type of soft swing. Soft swinging may involve an agreement to simply "play" with a new couple in an "oral" fashion. Or that you have sex with your own partner while the other couple watches, enjoys, and does the same. Many newcomers feel this is a good first step to entering the lifestyle and gauging their partners and their own reactions to a new situation. The next step if it all works out, is usually going the next step with actual intercourse. Again usually saved for the next encounter after the newcomer couple has had a chance to talk, and fantasize about their first soft swinging step they took into the lifestyle.

A newcomer couple should feel comfortable and able to express to an inquiring couple that they would only feel at ease in a "soft swing" scenario their first time. Take the time to also express what you mean by "soft swing" so that the inquiring couple will be completely informed of your wishes. If a couple does not desire to "play" the way you wish to, they may politely decline and there should be no hard feelings. Most lifestyle couples whether softcore or hardcore are understanding of a newcomer couples desire to go at it slow and will be supportive and even helpful in making your first time a memorable experience.

What is a "wannabe"?

Usually a single or married male that is trying to get involved in the swing lifestyle, but doesn't have a partner. So they lie about having a partner to meet you. The partner then "conveniently" can't make it. Even worse is the "wannabe" that will bring a "ticket"...which means an unsuspecting person or a paid professional into a swing club as their means to get in the door.